How to Handle Difficult Reference Letter Requests

Reference letters are never easy to write. On the one hand, if you intend to write positively about a person to recommend them for a job, it can be difficult to hit the right balance between going overboard or being too stingy with praise. And, on the other, if you have only negative remarks to make about a person, how can you in good conscience provide a letter that omits or glosses over the truth of their behavior as you see it? 

Behavior based interviewing training folks suggest you should never write a recommendation unless you feel comfortable doing so. Politely decline the request for a letter from someone you don’t respect. You can say you don’t feel you know them well enough to write the kind of letter they might wish or that you would not be able to write a letter with the full praise that would help them get the job. As difficult as this conversation might be, it is far better than putting into writing your honest opinion.

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